work - dreams = job

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Ever since I started work, I have been really busy. Now, it has been almost two years and I still do not have enough technical or professional experience to move to better pasture. True, I got a nice boss, nice colleagues, nice environment and pay; but like my fellow church mates said; " Your blessings has become a curse."

My pay experience ratio is totally out of proportion and is gradually leading to my demise. Friends now and then still comment "Wow, you have such an easy job and high pay, how I wish I can be at your position" But is that what you really want? I'm not saying that getting more money is not good. With the extra money, you can do a lot of things; saying traveling around or taking better care of your family. But, not at the expense of your own dream.

This is now where I am, at the cross road. Hold my current job, do what is needed to be done and pray that GOD will help me find a place where I belong? Or take a pay cut, strive for my dreams and hope for the best that it will enable me to feed my family; and not a small boy's dream that ends up more or less a nightmare.

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An update on my life

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It has been a very long time since I wrote something on my blog. In fact, it is over two months and I’m amazed that there are still people who still visit my little hut to find out if I had wrote anything.

Well, this will be just an update on what has happened in the last two months. It was a roller coaster ride for me, both mental and emotional. After a sorrowful February and March, I finally decided to pick myself up. April was the month that I finally graduated from varsity and I should be happy, but reality was that it was not meant to be for me. My family did not want to take a family portrait nor wanted to attend my ceremony initially. The reason was not that they were not proud but it was just too troublesome. But after much persuasion, they finally gave in.

I started to try singing in KTV with some of my friends. My first session made me realized how horrible I was in singing. But the main problem was that it was during that time that I started to drink alcohol more regularly. Only then did I realize that my heart was never healed and I just kept the pain deep within me. The pain was unbearable and I kept going to Miss Alcohol for comfort. I did not get dead drunk on any of my drinking session but it was only through alcohol that my body could truly relax.

In May, I have begun cutting down on my alcohol intake and took up CCNA to keep me busy during the weekend. I started to pick up bowling on a more serious level and spent many evenings training with my own ball. Though the feeling still lingers, I hope that time will heal my heart and allow me to move on.

I am still looking for an IT job and it had been almost six months without any luck. Will my dream to become a network security engineer ever come true?

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Used and thrown away

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Everything was done but was it ever accepted?
Left out in the cold despite the spark being created.

What you see is what you get?
Or maybe everything you see was never existed?

A half empty or a half fill glass?
But then again, was there anything in the first place?

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what have I done to deserve this

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Why these things have to happen to me? I am much needed when you are in overseas; but when you are back, you simply ignore me. Am i just a person whom you can talk to when you are alone in a foreign land? To think that everything I have done means nothing to you. That your other friends are more important to you when none of them came to you when you need much support.

Maybe the way I woo you is incorrect, but remember this. I may not be the most suave person around; may not be the kind of guy you want. You want a guy that is able to sweep you off your feet like those in the past, but at least I'm faithful.

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Friends

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It had been a very long time since I had last written my blog. Life had not been easy for me in my new company. My boss did not really like me and had been giving me problems. My new job, though highly paid, had been degrading my brain cell to the level that I no longer am able to remember things as well as I used to be. I had not read a newspaper, went around looking for new IT products, watching new drama or anime and new happenings for the last six months. Even my spoken and written language had degraded (not that it was any better before) Sigh.

Work has changed my mindset on friends. School friends, be it in your secondary, polytechnic or even university days are so important. You are most unlikely to have any lasting friends within your offices and the only people whom you can rely on are those that had spent time playing, studying and going out together with you. Sad to say, I have none. With my disabilities, attitude and inability to converse have given friends that amount to less than the number of fingers that I have. I'm really worried about how am I going to survive the rest of my life without friends. I did a big mistake since young and paying dearly for it.

My current life, without friends, had been revolving around a gal that I liked a lot. A gal that I had spent so much money on. Not that I am using money to lure her into my arms but because she is unable (more like unwilling) to spend that much since I been asking her out. Sad to say, I'm more like money tree to her then anything else. I seriously do not mind nd all I ask for is for her to just give me a chance. Most of the my friends advised me to stop doing that as I'm just wasting my time, effort and money on a person who do not even appreciate me at all. Well, I'm blinded by her.

But without any friends, what am I supposed to do? Without hope, will I become a drug addict like those in the movie "protege"'?

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Movie review: Confession of pain

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On Christmas day, I went to watch the movie: Confession of pain, starring Tony Leung and Takeshi Kaneshiro. This story started out with two cops who were really good friends, on a stakeout of a serial rapist. The scene of the dead lady was a bit gruesome with Tony hitting the criminal's head a few times before the shot was cut. The following scene was how Takeshi's girlfriend committed suicide, which led to his leaving of the police force and becoming an alcoholic. A stark difference from the first scene.

The story moved on to a few years later where the real story plot really starts. Tony, being an avenger, started killing people while Takeshi became a private eye. Takeshi became involved when Tony's wife's dad was murdered by Tony. What's the reason?? Go watch it to find out why!

What impressed me was how the movie was shot. Since the director was the same guy that shot Infernal Affairs and Initial D and having watched all three Infernal Affairs movies; I was expecting a similar film style from the director. The usage of black and white scenes, flash backs, narration and the movement from the past to the present was very well done. Something that I really enjoy.

The show, I could say needs an acquired taste to understand fully how this movie works. If you are there only for the story plot, you will be missing the real essence of the movie. The show despite only two hours, seemed a bit of a drag. With a uncomfortable seat and the need to answer nature's call; I really felt that the show did not wish to end.

The show, overall is good. An excellent story plot, good scenes and shot seqeuence. In my own movie scale, I give it a 7 out of 10. Do wathc it if you can!!

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Pessimistic is what I am

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It has been a very long time since I wrote my blog. Almost three months since I got my new job. A lot things had happened since then. New working environment, new colleagues, new problems, happiness and frustration. Have not been happy with my new job. Feels more like an admin worker than anything else. What do I do, you say? Making new PowerPoint presentation, maintain intranet website and some access database. An wherever I go, my attitude problem kept haunting me, unable to talk, unable to engage with a conversation; it is just a nightmare coming back to haunt me. It is just a matter of time that I get alienated.

Have finally decided to step down from Primers. Finally rose up the white flag. I just cannot see myself doing it anymore. My health is not making my life any easier, my attitude is not the best experience that the students want to see and I have students who think that they are smart alecks; agreeing to my notion on one side and yet not doing it on the other. They really think adults are that stupid? Believing that their generation, being diplomatic means that the adults would not know that you are trying to pull a fast one. You are ten years too young boys! Wake up your bloody ideas when trying to do something like that.

Work? Don’t want to think about it anymore. Seems like the boss don't like me after my friendly heart to heart talk telling him that this job is not suitable for me and I need a bit more responsible rather than mundane task. But, that don't seems to get into his head. To him, more task means more satisfaction. Totally in the wrong frequency man, totally a dud, man. So what am I getting now, work with unreasonable deadline that I need to produce. Too stress to the level that my doctor told me to take a break or I may end up in hospital anytime soon.

Relationship? Not much hope either. Spent so much time, effort and money on someone. Trying my very best to impress but to no avail. Maybe I push my luck too far and ended up being rejected in the most diplomatic way possible. Decided to wait for her three more months but, finally realized that I’m too selfish. That gal needs a break and I'm not giving her space. She managed to tell me a lot of my weakness and that made me wonder why I'm like that. And the best thing is, she more she managed to dig up my weakness and little hurts, the more I feel I not worthy of her. What about that? Self rejection. Ha ha. Am I still waiting? Yes? Probability of getting hitch? 0%. Then why the wait? I don't know. Maybe I just too dumb.

I'm afraid of death, not wanting to end my life; believing that this world has many more experience she has yet to offer but then again, death maybe the only solutions. Born in a strict family, with so many sickness. Destined to die at birth but didn't. Got rejected due to being a mixed blood in my primary school day. Tried too hard to secondary school, ended up being more proud than anything else. Without any social life, poly and university became worse when topics like movies, sports and love is a total stranger to me. If I'm a healthy man, I don't see why I will not become the next Hitler, hating the whole world of giving me such misery. But because I'm a Christian, God has given me the sanity to continue on with my life. And I'm still working hard to be a better man.

But time is not on my side, going to be blind, to be bald and health is not improving. Maybe by the time I'm a better man; I'm also an old and dead man. What a way to finish the last chapter of a person's life....

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